Early in my career, I was witness to a court case in Charleston, South Carolina, that told me how sexual assault on a woman was viewed then, and seems to be still today by some.
I worked in the legal system in several positions during that time, but this case confirmed to me one of the reasons a woman would not want to come forward if sexual assault occurred. I was present in the courtroom for these proceedings and it really struck me hard.
Four young men from upper income families in Charleston were charged with assaulting a young woman and it was a case where “everyone knew” they were guilty—they were known to be party boys who drank and partied hard regularly, and they admitted to that description.
They were acquitted. The case was decided in favor of the four young men after their attorney proved that the girl that claimed the attack happened was not a virgin. They brought a witness who had had consensual sex with the girl and that was the determining factor along with the claim by all four young men that they did not attack the young woman just because they “wouldn’t do something like that.” There were no witnesses, or at least none that came forward or were willing to testify and the girl was villified publicly.
After the trial, in the legal community at the time, the talk was mostly laughing about the whole incident and especially about the “trial.” I heard the opinion often: “well, boys will be boys” and “the girl probably wanted it anyway” and, since the boys were the rich, attractive group, “the girl should count herself lucky that they even looked at her.”
I saw then the power of money and position and class. It seemed obvious that some were above the law just by virtue of birth family and/or money.
Ut-oh—since I remembered the city, but I cannot remember the exact year for sure, I guess this account is not true!
Well, I got the “message” from this event and, when I was in a “situation” some years later at my workplace, I simply quit without reporting what had happened because a person in a position of power (my supervisor) would probably be believed and not me. And then, there was the shame and the guilt . . .
However, in my case, I was called in by HR for an exit interview and asked to tell specifically why I had abruptly quit my job with them when I seemed to be enjoying my position and had advanced from typing pool to Secretary to the Department Supervisor in 30 days. I broke down in tears and told them that my supervisor had attempted to sexually assault me and had told me that to keep my job I had to have sex with him. They were angry that this had occurred and told me that it was important to report his type of activity to keep it from happening to others and that they would have believed me—this was an unusual attitude at the time, so I was surprised!
The man was fired soon after that and I was glad. He had used guilt to try to keep me from telling anyone by accusing me of flirting with him which justified his advances to me, so it was my fault, not his. And that was a part of why I didn’t tell anyone until I was forced to do so by repeated questioning.
Interestingly, I can remember the name of the city, the general timeframe and the name of the man even though this happened in the 1960s, 50+ years ago, but many other details are not there!
Messages are important . . . what we teach our children, boys and girls, matters and what they see lived out tells them what is “acceptable” and, in the case of sexual assault, the message right now is mixed:
“me,too” movement says “you are important and you will be given respect if you speak up and your story checked out”
BUT
our current administration seems to be sending the message that says “the power of money and position and class determines guilt and innocence” . . .
what price will we pay for this LIE . . .
how many broken lives will it take . . .
how much suffering,
how many tears shed in silence surrounded by darkness
WE NEED EACH OTHER to face our challenges: compassion—a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.
I WILL WALK FORWARD
When I first read your post, I was SO angry –
CORE VALUES . . . what are my core values? What does that mean?
Do I react to certain people or events in a negative way and other people or events in a positive way without even knowing the people or being a part of the events? Have I ever stopped to ask myself why? Is it even possible for me to confront myself honestly, to examine any mask that might be “justifying” my feelings? Can I stop justifying my feelings and examine them and where they came from without judgement so I can choose to accept them or reject them based on who I am now?
August 26, 2014 at 6:58 AM · getting dressed . . .
Too often, we follow along with an initial thought only to find ourselves buried with other thoughts that seem to tag along with it without stopping to consider that we have a choice to make at the very beginning—when it first enters our conscious sphere—stop it at the door before it gets completely in and “filter” it.
I was drawn into this “project” by some dear friends of ours by an invitation in a Facebook post (August 3, 21016 – Shawn Whitney with Katie Nichols Whitney) and my response was:
DAY TWO: love promotion project as a teen, Marcus worked at his dad’s car lot and was responsible enough to carry the business checkbook . . . he developed a love for cars & music from the 60s and learned the rewards of hard work, –he has continued to combine a willingness to work hard and to show appreciation for what he loves— he has taught me a lot! Love is patient . . . Love is kind . . .
DAY THREE: love promotion project Marcus has always loved music and most people don’t know he plays the guitar and sings and has written songs— Coach Groover introduced us at Camp Wyldewood during a retreat when he suggested we sing together at the “talent show,” so we sang “If I Had a Hammer” and that was the beginning of our life together—I don’t remember much about the talent show, but I do remember the fun we had getting to know each other. We “snuck” off to Andy’s (where Arby’s is now) after the show & got a burger because we couldn’t eat before we sang. After we got married & moved to Austin, Texas, we sang the worship songs Marcus had written (for our church family & others)–they were such a blessing to me. Early in our marriage, my brothers & I were still fulfilling commitments to perform as the Chuck Hicks Band and Marcus always seemed to enjoy my enjoyment of singing with my family with no hint of jealousy on his part and, of course, he sometimes played along–a little over a year ago, Marcus taught himself to play the harmonica & does a great job of entertaining me each morning . . . Marcus has taught me a lot about Love! Love is not jealous . . . love does not brag and is not arrogant . . .
DAY FOUR: love promotion project How a person treats others, especially friends, tells you a lot about them because real friendship requires give AND take— SHARING special times with others, becoming family; it means food, fun and fellowship . . . but most of all it means CARING with no conditions through times of joy and laughter and tears . . . it means opening your heart and guarding the hearts of others as you share dreams and successes and challenges and gain the strength that comes from friendship . . . decades of friendships that have blessed us so much there is no way to name you all (didn’t have room for all the faces, but you know who you are)— Marcus has taught me a lot about Love and Friendship and so have YOU! Love does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered . . .
DAY FIVE: love promotion project family . . . sometimes the best times and sometimes the worst— but it is not just biology that makes a family . . . it’s relationship. Because family is family, you have to work through whatever or go through life without that person or group in your life and that always hurts – either way! Marcus lost his parents in 1977 & 1979 and an older sister in 1956, so I didn’t get the opportunity to meet them and I wish I could have sat down with them and talked about life, gained from their experiences. Marcus has a twin sister (fraternal, not identical) and my parents have “adopted” Marcus plus I have two younger brothers and a really large extended family—we have three beautiful daughters with their husbands & children . . . but, alas most of our family live far away. Marcus has taught me a lot about family . . . loyalty, devotion, “blindness,” forgiveness, perseverance, and the ultimate rewards of unconditional love! Love does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth…
DAY SIX: love promotion project marriage . . . before our first wedding, I was living in Austin, Texas (due to a job promotion), so I had to take a flight back to Searcy and on that flight I wrote a letter to myself listing all the “reasons” I loved Marcus and the areas I thought would be challenging to me. Over the years of our marriage, I had to refer to that letter to put our relationship back in context—like after the “towel-folding incident” or the “Star Trek-the Original Movie event” or the multiple “You What? expose” times or the monumental “God, You do it, I can’t” decision! The most important moment for me was when I made the commitment to allow God to make me who He wanted me to be and to allow God to do the same for Marcus (taking myself off that job). As I stood before God with each AND every “problem” that arose instead of trying to “fix” it myself, I noticed that Marcus got easier to get along with and we were having much less negative interaction—amazing! Through all of my years of “growth experiences,” Marcus stayed constant and steady—yes, surprisingly, he stayed and taught me the ultimate Truth that all relationships rooted in God meant God was the center, the first step always, the love reflected in each of us, the compassion for each other, the forgiveness and mercy, the reason . . . marriage is not an easy path, but it can work when Love bears all things . . . believes all things . . . hopes all things . . . endures all things
DAY SEVEN: love promotion project overview . . . To love someone. What does it mean?—there are as many answers to that question as there are people to answer it. My answer would be a reflection of my life. I have loved in many ways, sometimes very unsuccessfully, sometimes selfishly, and I have loved to many different levels in my heart including experiencing infatuation and superficial, but often painful emotions. I have been beaten down, I have cried in the darkness of agony so deep it could not be put into words, and I have found the light of day painful . . . but, I have also experienced the overwhelming joy of healing and the life flow of love from someone who really cared about me and that made me want to bring that to others, to share the hope of a future that makes it possible to take even just a tiny step forward into the Light of another day . . . because I have seen that through the valleys and the mountains, through the sunshine and the rain, through the failures of my human nature and the strength of my inner spirit, all of life is a victory when it opens ME to a better understanding of love and sharing all of that with others, friends, family, or spouses shows me that LOVE NEVER FAILS . . . But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the GREATEST of these IS LOVE . . .
WHEN DID GOD STOP ME IN MY TRACKS . . .
Each day I am confronted with challenges . . .
barbarajhicks
Jeanne
Jeanne H Barnett's Blog 