Jeanne H Barnett's Blog

outside the “one true church” —
I was SO devastated –
19 years old living a nightmare of
betrayal striking deep wounds and,
in the midst of this time of crisis,
I was told by the wife of a leader of
the “one true church” on a Sunday evening
after the service that I was not welcome
any longer because I had sinned . . .
most sadly, the members of that “one true church”
knew about the horrible circumstances of my life
which had devastated me to the point of deep depression –
BUT,
I was not welcome any longer at the “one true church”
because they said, by the word of God, I had sinned . . .
I walked out into the dark parking lot, alone . . .
the newest member of the “lost” . . .
hopelessly “lost” . . .

as I walked out into the darkness,
I shouted to the darkness above
and all around me:

“if that is what people of God are like,
I want nothing to do with them or with their God!!!”

I drove out of that parking lot with
tears streaming down my face
feeling the weight of the brick
thrown at me in the pit of my stomach –

knowing there was NO answer for me because
the only way to not be “lost” was to be a member of
the “one true church” and that door was slammed shut –
the overwhelming darkness of hopelessness consumed me
and, for a long time, I went
through my days and nights like a zombie –
empty and “lost,” not caring about anything or anybody.

I felt dead with no emotions at all and soon came to
think there was no reason to continue to live –
I had messed everything up and there was
no one to care about me . . . not even me.

Then, one day a girl at work asked me to go with her
to a meeting that was sold as a way to find out
how to live and grow as a person –
a teaching called “new age” especially for young people
who were unhappy with the world as it had been changed
by people who did not know the “truth” of ancient times
that was meant to create a utopian world,
we could make the world be what it should be
to be good for everybody!

The “age of Aquarius” had been talked about over
many different periods of time from antiquity –
BUT, we could now bring it into existence!
We had access to the knowledge and
we could tap into the power – I could tap into the power!

It sounded so good – it sounded like I had found
the way to stop being “lost” – I could be “saved”!
It made sense and it energized me and many others
with “special” knowledge and a serious “mission” –
save the world! Set the world right! YES!

I felt good about this “mission” and it did not require
the perfection I had been trained in my childhood
to demand of myself and others – all of sudden
there was Hope stirring in me!

However, my childhood “training” had planted a
deep seed – any Hope had to include Jesus and,
as I was exposed to the “Jesus movement” music,
I passed through “new age,” through “the occult,”
and entered the “take the world for Jesus” mission
moving from demanding perfection according to
my opinions and opening up to “what would Jesus do”
bracelet era – love . . . freedom . . . belonging . . .

I could see what was wrong with the “one true church”
and I judged and condemned them just like they had
done to me . . . NOW I could be part of the
“take the world for Jesus” . . . save the world . . .
a higher mission, a serious purpose –
“saved,” me and the world!

as a young child growing up in the “one true church,”
I felt the burden of taking the “truth” to all
the lost in the world –
the pressure was overwhelming to a child
who could not comprehend what “lost” meant
except that it was very bad and involved
being punished forever with fire!

The fire and brimstone messages
brought nightmares about being caught in a fire
and not being able to get out,
I would awaken screaming for my mama.

Over time, I grew more determined to
“seek and save the lost” –
it was MY assignment in life, my mission,
so around 9-years-old I started being
a part of a group of children going door-to-door
handing out little tracts that would explain
why that person had to belong to
the “one true church”
in order to avoid burning in hell –
one of the tracts we handed out was titled
“Why I am a Member of the [name of church] ”
(fill in the group you were/are a part of –
there were and still are many that
claim to be the “ONE true church” and
faithfully spread their message).

Many of the people I knew who were
a part of my childhood were driven
by a deep desire to save others
from what we were taught was
eternal punishment and to
redirect them to the eternal reward of heaven!

These were NOT mean folks,
but part of my darker childhood history
who believed the same things I believed
and felt driven to “save” people –
it was a serious mission.

As I became a young adult and was confronted
with life and its many challenges,
I found that my “religion” (the “one true church’)
had not equipped me
to deal with MY life –
all I had taken away from my childhood
“training” was a fear of punishment and
a desire for the reward,
BUT,
other than belonging to the “one true church,”
I did not know what got me punishment and
what got me reward. Ah! “SIN!”
that was the answer of course,
but just what was sin?
I did not know the answer to that question . . .
and I guess I still do not know the answer
to that question – what is “sin?”
and,
with that foundation stripped away,
“who am I?”

In my childhood, my life was defined by
• a mission,
a strong clear purpose
(seek and save the lost all around me)
and I had
• a goal
(avoid eternal punishment)
so I never asked any questions –
NOW,
from outside
the “one true church,”
I am left with one question . . .
“who am I?”