Darkness and God

thoughts . . .

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2021 Birthday Thoughts

each year at the time of my birthday,
I pray for a word, a thought,
a Scripture, a quotation
to guide my focus for the coming year:

paths – a journey . . .

Scripture references-source, Christian Bible:
(innocence) Truly I say to you, unless you change and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 18:3

(faith – life of Abraham) Is this blessing then on the circumcised, or on the uncircumcised also? For we say, “Faith was credited to Abraham as righteousness.” Romans 4:9

(faith – guide) I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper, so that He may be with you forever; the Helper is the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it does not see Him or know Him; but you know Him because He remains with you and will be in you. John 14:16-17

(paths) Make me know your ways, Adonai, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth, and teach me; for you are the God who saves me, my hope is in you all day long. Psalm 25:4-5

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Personal Journey — Week 3 Advent Thoughts


Day 1 — Exodus 20

Day 2 — Psalm 19

Day 3 — 1 Corinthians 1:18-25

Day 4 — John 2:13-25

Day 5 — Summary

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Personal Journey – Week 2 Advent thoughts

Repent — turn from, turn to, turn inward

Day 1 — Genesis 22

Day 2 — Psalm 116

Day 3 — Romans 8:31-34

Day 4 — Mark 9

Day 5 — Summary

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Personal Journey – Week 1 Advent thoughts

Week 1 — Reflect

Day 1 Genesis 9

Day 2 — Psalm 25

Day 3 — I Peter 3-4:2

Day 4 — Mark 1

Day 5 — Summary

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Personal Journey – Advent thoughts

Advent seemed like a good time this year to review my life,
to take a personal “journey” that might help me “process” some challenges
and gain some insights into who I am.
To reflect . . . to review my path
To repent . . . to look for Light in my darkness
To restore . . . to try to clear my vision

SO much going on this year, maybe this will help me focus!

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HOPE . . . a pinpoint of Light

HOPE . . . a pinpoint of Light

I once heard it said that a writer could not begin writing a story until the end was known and then had to work backward to fill in the story.
I wonder if I could use that same approach to look at “my story.”

There have been a number of times I was SURE I knew the ending to a chapter in my life; sometimes I was right, but most often I was not right.

My life has surprised me, shocked me, depressed me, disappointed me, discouraged me, and yet . . . through every chapter, I have always had some pinpoint of light, some really tiny shred of something inexplicable that pushed me to go on, some unseen and unspoken at the time word of hope. I did not recognize it as “hope” at the time, but it is what seemed to have been there hiding in the shadows of my heart to draw me into the next moment on my journey to today.

With a past that led me to
• early destruction of innocence,
• discovery of the deceitfulness of self love,
• an indescribable depth of impenetrable darkness,
• the reality of unseen forces,
• the door of suicide,
• there is no limit to the depth of pain,
• inner healing of surface layers,
• exposure of deeper wounds and unknown scars,
• many painful mask removals,
• unrecoverable losses,
• the futility of looking for completion in others,
• see not all questions have answers and that is okay,
• conclude that knowledge and wisdom are not the same,
• admit that I am a slow learner,
• find growth through pain and life in death
and to realize that my life would fill many volumes that would only be of interest to me . . . but the life lessons might be of interest to others in their journey of life.
I used to say that my pain would be worth it if I could save one person from suffering even a minute of the darkness I lived through—especially I did not want anyone to have to go through it alone, or at least not feel like they were going through it alone.

If my path and its traumas serve this purpose, I feel somehow that purpose gives my pain value. I remember that horrible feeling of being alone and not having anyone to share my wounding, my despair, my pain—that is the ultimate agony: not having anyone who understood my suffering or understood the “dumb choices” I made and the consequences of those choices or the choices of others that increased my destruction.

Isolated and insulated, even if it is a choice I made, is what leads to the darkest pits with walls so high they could never be climbed and there was no one to throw a rope down for climbing out of those pits—no one cares and so, eventually, I did not care either.

At the back of every deep, dark pit is always the door of suicide – no lock on that door – it opens with just a touch – it seems so right to remove the one causing so much pain to themselves and to others . . . so easy . . . the final answer!

I stood there – I planned to go through that door in several pits I lived in – but, ultimately, GOD pulled me out of the last pit where that seemed like the right final answer and, after many life lessons and extremely challenging confrontations of self, I have a new understanding of “broken vessel” and what it feels like when the Master Potter restores that vessel.

It is so hard to accept that restoration because of how unworthy and worthless that vessel feels, but the Master Potter is compassionate and patient and where I see scars and jagged pieces, the Master sees a vessel of beauty as originally created by those hands of Love from a heart of Love.

The Master Potter that, though unseen, was with me in every pit calling me to Life but I could not hear that voice over the loud chaos in my mind and heart as I focused on my pain and listened to the darkness calling me to death as my “reward.” It was the path I deserved to complete, the judgement I earned, the final steps to follow the others I had taken . . .BUT LIFE WON and the Master Potter continues to draw me with that pinpoint of light within a dark picture . . . hope for today and hope for tomorrow because that is what brought me through and out of my dark pits of yesterday—a pinpoint of light . . . some tiny unidentifiable stirring inside of me I now know was . . . HOPE!

I will cling to it as one clings to a life preserver in a rough sea
maybe it will grow as I fix my gaze on that pinpoint of Light . . . HOPE

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Advent: Reflect—God and Me

reflect . . . repent . . . restore
ADVENT draws attention to the coming of LIGHT and that can mean different things to different people. SO I decided to explore what each of those “words” mean to me within the context of the scripture references given to Advent 2021. My plan is to write five posts based on the references with the last one being a kind of summary of that word for me. It seems like a good idea in this time of so much chaos for each of us to explore what we think and what we believe. GOD . . . ME . . . LIFE . . if we could respectfully exchange our thoughts and beliefs, we might find that we each could gain.

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AM I READY for 2020 to end?


Dog #1:
you look kind of concerned – what’s bothering you?
Dog #2:
well, my human has been saying over and over again that it is time for 2020 to end
Dog #1:
why would that bother you?
Dog #2:
they always have these sticks that scare me with really loud noises and bright lights – it takes me a week to be able to sleep again
Dog #1:
yeah, that’s rough – but, other than that, my human has spent so much time complaining about stuff that I don’t get the attention I need every day, so maybe the end of 2020 will be good for me
Dog #2:
maybe – but then what will your human do to keep busy? It might be worse for you.
Dog #1:
I don’t know, but it would be nice if they would play outside in the yard more – then I would be excited to see them come back inside. Now, it’s just ho, hum because they are always inside . . . and, they used to fuss about wanting more time together at home, but now they fuss about being stuck at home and being together instead of learning how to get along. Go figure! We dogs do better than they do! Hmmmm . . . maybe we are smarter?
Dog #2:
Yeah. Remember when the dog next door was barking so much and we finally found out it was because he was scared and we let him know we were here, too, and he stopped all that noise?
Dog #1:
Yep! Too bad it seems our humans can’t learn to get along with each other, be thankful for what they have, and take care of each other. You know, share a bone with a hungry friend.
Dog #2:
Really sad, but they don’t seem to get it, do they? Do you really think ending 2020 will make a difference?
Dog #1:
I don’t know . . . I just don’t know. Maybe we can show them how to make things better together!
DOGS, generally speaking:
• unconditional love
• loyalty
• few basic needs
• no hidden agenda

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Fibonacci spiral • a Self Portrait

Fibonacci spiral

• a Self Portrait

A TV show actually drew me to look more closely at the Fibonacci sequence— “God Friended Me” episodes were based on questions about patterns and an unseen guide to “coincidences” in life that we often don’t see. (I wish this show had been able to continue, but it was cancelled due to the Covid-19 health crisis.)

However, it started me thinking about my life — many traumas, many diverse experiences that seemed disconnected, so many twists and turns that I could fill a bookcase with novels based on unique “events” that, in review, do seem to lead one to the other and, obviously, brought me to where I am today. So, I did an overview that brought me to “A Self Portrait.” This should probably be a part of the blog I have been doing “Seeking the Way: exploring the path of a seeker,” but I am still working on part 4 in that series and this just seemed to be what I needed to look at before continuing my thoughts on my path to this point . . . an insert to examine my perspective as I look at a pivotal time in my seeking the Way, a time of transition, a time of inner turmoil with me fighting with me and a time that turned out to be major surgery, healing, and deep digging up of many old foundations while learning to “rest” in not demanding understanding at each point, but trusting the “sequence” to lead me toward Truth.

SO, I looked up information on the Fibonacci sequence, the definition and some of what others had written about it:
The Fibonacci sequence is a famous group of numbers beginning with 0 and 1 in which each number is the sum of the two before it. It begins 0, 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21 and continues infinitely. The pattern hides a powerful secret: If you divide each number in the sequence by its predecessor (except for 1 divided by 0), then as you move toward higher numbers, the result converges on the constant phi, or approximately 1.61803, otherwise known as the golden ratio.

A set of numbers with properties related to many natural phenomena . . . pine cones, the number of petals in each layer of certain flowers, sunflower seeds, mollusk shells, and in many more areas, “The Golden Ratio’s attractiveness stems first and foremost from the fact that it has an almost uncanny way of popping up where it is least expected,” writes Mario Livio in The Golden Ratio: The Story of Phi, the World’s Most Astonishing Number, ISBN-13 : 978-0767908160
Publisher : Crown; Illustrated edition (September 23, 2003) available at Amazon.

That is the context of my “Self Portrait” at this point in my life of measureable time . . . a step toward where I have always been, where I started from, having those questions always in my heart: is there something bigger than me? is there a plan for my life? is there purpose in my path? is life a classroom or simply a “here today, gone tomorrow” segment leading to nothing?
who am I . . . what am I . . . why am I . . . where am I . . . how am I?

LEAD ON, Fibonacci, and, somehow, I KNOW my heart mind will “see” GOD!

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