Jeanne H Barnett's Blog

POTENTIAL POSITIVES FROM NEGATIVES—
(thoughts about “women” I have known)

arrogance drove a thirst for knowledge to deny the “tape’” that said “you are stupid’ and,
knowledge, when gained brought quiet confidence and no need to “prove” it to anyone

judgemental drew attention to self examination in fear of being discovered as flawed and showed the need to be “not like them” but better than them which showed the need for mercy and grace for all, first to self and then to others

hostility was hidden anger which isolated the heart in a pit of resentment where a door to forgiveness of self and others was found to be the only “exit” leading to a healing path

the root of all these “women” was:
• pain,
• perception, and
• protection
each mask was unknowingly chosen to defend against others and confirmed the “wrong thinking” that drove each fear-filled moment leading to the edge of a cliff of decision—

to look deeper beyond the hard outside to the wound being held within an impenetrable bubble of “wrong thinking” would mean exposing self to self (the one most feared). removing the mask to examine the wound cannot be undertaken without terror arising . . . will the “women” I have known block or give strength to moving forward . . .

a wound cannot be healed until it is exposed to the Light and the Air, the breath of Life—the Spirit gives Life as it strips away the mask of each of the “women”   I have known and to expose the heart within whose growth was stunted by the “women” that allowed for “wrong thinking” to continue and grow
– strip away the mask to embrace Light and Life even in fear
– meet the heart of a struggling soul, my soul
– grab hold of the seed of Hope planted deep within from before birth
– return to the beginning of the heart unencumbered with “wrong thinking” to accept Life in the Light of Love flowing throughout all as it is, as it will be, and as it always has been
. . . drop the mask
. . . release the “women” I have known after thanking them for their work
. . . step into the free flow of Life, Light, and Love for which all is created including the “women” I have known . . . and me
—-

Gospel of the Windmill cover

Deeper in the woods than I had ever gone before . . . that is where I found myself as I had just wandered without paying attention to where I was or where I was going. My mind and my heart were struggling with my overwhelming life, so I was startled when I saw a mysterious scene in front of me.

A windmill standing in a dark overgrown area that looked untended by anyone – kind of like my life right now, overgrown and untended – a rusted windmill was just standing there.

What was a windmill doing in the middle of a heavily wooded area? It reminded me of me again, wondering what I was doing in the middle of my heavily “wooded” life, standing in the dark.

=======BEGINNING of a story I am working on . . . a story of the mystery of Life

S T R E S S E D to the MAX!
This plant is SO stressed –
it needs some water in the worst way –
when I saw it, I thought it was not going to make it . . .
perhaps it was too stressed to survive and
it was my fault –
I did not remember to water it,
to give it the one thing that was vital to its life . . .

I could see the effects of that stress –
the wilted leaves,
the drooping limbs,
the way it was slowly falling down
into the dirt never to rise again . . .

I thought about the song the Eagles had sung
back in the 1970s “Take It to the Limit” and
I told this plant that I would give it some water and
I hoped we could take it to the limit, one more time . . .
and make it beyond that limit, to restore Life!

SO many things can cause stress and that can lead to
my being OVERWHELMINGLY stressed and feeling like
I just cannot make it one more day, BUT . . .

WHAT CAN I DO to bring some of that Life-giving,
Life-saving water into my dry, stressed out heart-mind
when I am feeling like I am falling down into the dirt???

FIRST—STOP thinking all those thoughts of defeat
and giving up, they seem to just keep coming –
as each one pops up, I will tell it to go away,
every time it pops up “go away”

SECOND—REMEMBER other times I have made it
through some really rough times and challenges
I thought would end me and yet, here I am right now

THIRD—PLAY that music that always gets me singing
along even though I really do not want to play it because
I kind of want to hold onto this bad feeling
(it takes no effort to remain down and
I fight against the music I know would
touch my heart-mind and draw me upward)

FOURTH—REACH OUT when I can,
even if it is just to talk to a friend
about nothing related to my stress
to remind me that my world is bigger than me
and there are those who care about me

FIFTH—LIST some things I enjoy,
like a Starbucks Chai Latte with Cinnamon Dolce,
a visit to Gin Creek to watch the flow of the water and
listen for the birds, to look for flowers to photograph or
check out the sky’s changing scenes

SIXTH—BREATHE IN deeply as I watch the light
of a candle and feel drawn into its simple, innocent
warmth, giving and expecting nothing in return and
I release all the burdens I placed upon myself
into the purifying flames

SEVENTH—BREATHE OUT as I relax muscles
I did not even realize were tense and feel the flow of Life
return slowly, gradually until a tiny, pinpoint of light
seems to appear,
just the tiniest dot in the distance
hinting that there is hope to succeed this time
to “take it to the limit” one more time . . .
yes . . . YES!, keep pushing –
defeat is just a thought away,
BUT . . .
I can take it to the limit one more time — I can add things vital to restore Life to me –
I can restore the flow of Life one more time
—-
“The line ‘Take it to the limit’ was to keep trying before
you reach a point in your life where you feel you’ve done
everything and seen everything – sort of feeling, you
know, part of getting old,” Meisner said in The History of
the Eagles. “And just to take it to the limit one more time,
like every day just keep punching away at it. …
—-

besed on a talk given in the 1990s which was based on a life beginning in innocence journeying through many dark pits and exploring many paths seeking to understand the “war” I felt dictated the dramas in my life — I felt like I was in some science fiction movie and eventually reached the point of total defeat . . .

–this PROJECT has been ongoing for many decades and my PURPOSE is to share what I have experienced in the hope of helping myself and others see some light on a path that often seems so dark . . . BUT I BELIEVE there is always HOPE to see some light and to explore the path, to face the “enemy” (even if it turns out it is just me), and to understand how I am drawn to choose to be where I am wounded so I can make better choices for me on the path ahead . . .
exploring the “war” can equip me to walk toward PEACE . . . a journey that can be challenging as I seek Truth that can be “uncomfortable” to face but I feel sure exploring these areas will lead me to a “battle plan” of Life as Light displaces darkness to expose and bring healing to my wounds . . . it is a process . . . it is a project . . . seeking love and light in the midst of war!

the changing colors of the leaves
showing the cycles of Life –

the leaves that fall to the ground
feeding the roots of the tree –

the bareness of the trees
making room for Spring’s growing –

all speaking Hope
for the nextseason
secure in always knowing
each season holds beauty and
offers hope for another season

HOPE speaks in
all Cycles of Life . . .
the heart “hears”
the eye “sees”
the spirit “knows”
and all life “flows”
. . . cycles of Hope . . .

The clouds seemed to be surrounding the moon –
the moon, full of light, so bright, and yet . . .
it looked as if it might be covered by those clouds
—blotted out, hidden, no longer seen . . .
a mystery waiting to be revealed.
Will the moon overcome the clouds or
be drawn into and consumed by the darkness?

As she looked up to the sky,
her heart felt the fear of those clouds –
her life seemed to be shown in that “battle” above her head.
Light, such bright Light trying to shine in the darkness but …

Madness . . . that is how she would describe it –
from a word meaning “foolish, vain, boastful,”
or “crippled, wounded” and
she felt deeply the crippled and wounded part.
Yes, and much of her life was spent being foolish and
sounding boastful as she tried to hide her woundedness,
to bury the crippling effects of her past so no one else
could see and she could pretend to not be scarred at all
by the battle between light and dark
in her world . . . in her heart . . . in her mind.

Watching the moon and the clouds battling for control,
dominance of one over the other,
she hoped the moon would “win” and
live to shine another day as its light
gave her a glimmer of hope
for her own “win” over the darkness
that had for so long controlled her choices and
led her into many dark pits.
Was it more madness to hope for a “win” after so many defeats?

The mystery would be “how” –
how could a soul that had chosen
to listen to the voices of darkness for so long
expect the Light to come and dispel the darkness,
to shine so bright that the darkness would be banished
and leave no trace of its ever having been there.

Does it really come down to a choice for today –
a choice for Light that, like the choices she made
for darkness in her past,
would draw Light to rule over her world today,
make Light overcome the walls she had built up,
cause Light to defeat the darkness she had served
when she thought she had no choice
driven along by her belief that she really was
everything the darkness told her she was?

Madness . . . yes!
But she felt it – that tiny spark of hope that whispered
“you have a choice” –
“you can choose to walk in the Light today” –
somehow she seemed to “know” that all those yesterdays,
all those bad choices
were good for knowing what she did not want to do in the future.

Yes, even her walk in the darkness had a good purpose.
Maybe not the best way to learn,
but for sure she would not forget easily the lessons there
and she would not be tempted again to embrace defeat or darkness.

Madness? No!
Truth unwrapped in the Light,
showing that Truth is the Light—
and she has a choice – today.
That is truly a mystery!
—-
P.S. the moon always wins –
it is always shining and
the darkness always
is driven away by the Light!!!

Embrace the moonlight
mystery madness –
in the “battles” of Life, Light wins –
it may not sound logical, but it works!!!

I saw the dandelion standing there – on a cool, Fall day
when the dead leaves were lying all around and
the pictures of that dandelion from earlier in the year came to my mind.

A colorful, life-filled yellow flower – considered a weed by many,
a nuisance to be rooted up and discarded—
I could relate to that feeling.

Then, later, that dandelion was a small,
almost translucent, reproduction center –
an amazing number of seeds to be blown everywhere—
gifts of life shared freely and
I felt drawn to that thought.

The thought that this seemingly very insignificant “weed”  
had parts of itself blown away and those parts became more dandelions
all over the place — a cycle of creating new life — wow!

It spread life by the loss of parts of itself and
I thought about times in my own life
when I suffered the loss of a part of myself and
I wondered if there was some deeper meaning
to be seen in my loss.

The dandelion cannot restore those parts of itself
that are blown away – carried on the wind to many places
– and I cannot pull back or restore what I lost,
but did that loss or could that loss in some way
spread new life in a cycle I could not see at the time?

Like the dandelion, am I still rooted and living to
begin another cycle, in the spring when
life begins to flow once again throughout the earth –
to feel life rising up in me

Can I see new life as a result of my loss —
maybe my loss helped build an inner strength
or perseverance I did not feel before —
maybe my loss drew me to be kinder to others
because I could better understand the pain another
was going through —
maybe . . .

maybe the dandelion has shown me
a reason to have hope
• hope for my future because of my past –
• hope in releasing my loss and
   holding to the new life that came from my loss –
• hope from seeing life in the cycle of a dandelion . . .
       new life through loss –
       loss in the creation of Life –
—
not restoration, but creation flowing hope through Life
—
I find hope in that thought . . .