Jeanne H Barnett's Blog

besed on a talk given in the 1990s which was based on a life beginning in innocence journeying through many dark pits and exploring many paths seeking to understand the “war” I felt dictated the dramas in my life — I felt like I was in some science fiction movie and eventually reached the point of total defeat . . .

–this PROJECT has been ongoing for many decades and my PURPOSE is to share what I have experienced in the hope of helping myself and others see some light on a path that often seems so dark . . . BUT I BELIEVE there is always HOPE to see some light and to explore the path, to face the “enemy” (even if it turns out it is just me), and to understand how I am drawn to choose to be where I am wounded so I can make better choices for me on the path ahead . . .
exploring the “war” can equip me to walk toward PEACE . . . a journey that can be challenging as I seek Truth that can be “uncomfortable” to face but I feel sure exploring these areas will lead me to a “battle plan” of Life as Light displaces darkness to expose and bring healing to my wounds . . . it is a process . . . it is a project . . . seeking love and light in the midst of war!

the changing colors of the leaves
showing the cycles of Life –

the leaves that fall to the ground
feeding the roots of the tree –

the bareness of the trees
making room for Spring’s growing –

all speaking Hope
for the nextseason
secure in always knowing
each season holds beauty and
offers hope for another season

HOPE speaks in
all Cycles of Life . . .
the heart “hears”
the eye “sees”
the spirit “knows”
and all life “flows”
. . . cycles of Hope . . .

The clouds seemed to be surrounding the moon –
the moon, full of light, so bright, and yet . . .
it looked as if it might be covered by those clouds
—blotted out, hidden, no longer seen . . .
a mystery waiting to be revealed.
Will the moon overcome the clouds or
be drawn into and consumed by the darkness?

As she looked up to the sky,
her heart felt the fear of those clouds –
her life seemed to be shown in that “battle” above her head.
Light, such bright Light trying to shine in the darkness but …

Madness . . . that is how she would describe it –
from a word meaning “foolish, vain, boastful,”
or “crippled, wounded” and
she felt deeply the crippled and wounded part.
Yes, and much of her life was spent being foolish and
sounding boastful as she tried to hide her woundedness,
to bury the crippling effects of her past so no one else
could see and she could pretend to not be scarred at all
by the battle between light and dark
in her world . . . in her heart . . . in her mind.

Watching the moon and the clouds battling for control,
dominance of one over the other,
she hoped the moon would “win” and
live to shine another day as its light
gave her a glimmer of hope
for her own “win” over the darkness
that had for so long controlled her choices and
led her into many dark pits.
Was it more madness to hope for a “win” after so many defeats?

The mystery would be “how” –
how could a soul that had chosen
to listen to the voices of darkness for so long
expect the Light to come and dispel the darkness,
to shine so bright that the darkness would be banished
and leave no trace of its ever having been there.

Does it really come down to a choice for today –
a choice for Light that, like the choices she made
for darkness in her past,
would draw Light to rule over her world today,
make Light overcome the walls she had built up,
cause Light to defeat the darkness she had served
when she thought she had no choice
driven along by her belief that she really was
everything the darkness told her she was?

Madness . . . yes!
But she felt it – that tiny spark of hope that whispered
“you have a choice” –
“you can choose to walk in the Light today” –
somehow she seemed to “know” that all those yesterdays,
all those bad choices
were good for knowing what she did not want to do in the future.

Yes, even her walk in the darkness had a good purpose.
Maybe not the best way to learn,
but for sure she would not forget easily the lessons there
and she would not be tempted again to embrace defeat or darkness.

Madness? No!
Truth unwrapped in the Light,
showing that Truth is the Light—
and she has a choice – today.
That is truly a mystery!
—-
P.S. the moon always wins –
it is always shining and
the darkness always
is driven away by the Light!!!

Embrace the moonlight
mystery madness –
in the “battles” of Life, Light wins –
it may not sound logical, but it works!!!

I saw the dandelion standing there – on a cool, Fall day
when the dead leaves were lying all around and
the pictures of that dandelion from earlier in the year came to my mind.

A colorful, life-filled yellow flower – considered a weed by many,
a nuisance to be rooted up and discarded—
I could relate to that feeling.

Then, later, that dandelion was a small,
almost translucent, reproduction center –
an amazing number of seeds to be blown everywhere—
gifts of life shared freely and
I felt drawn to that thought.

The thought that this seemingly very insignificant “weed”  
had parts of itself blown away and those parts became more dandelions
all over the place — a cycle of creating new life — wow!

It spread life by the loss of parts of itself and
I thought about times in my own life
when I suffered the loss of a part of myself and
I wondered if there was some deeper meaning
to be seen in my loss.

The dandelion cannot restore those parts of itself
that are blown away – carried on the wind to many places
– and I cannot pull back or restore what I lost,
but did that loss or could that loss in some way
spread new life in a cycle I could not see at the time?

Like the dandelion, am I still rooted and living to
begin another cycle, in the spring when
life begins to flow once again throughout the earth –
to feel life rising up in me

Can I see new life as a result of my loss —
maybe my loss helped build an inner strength
or perseverance I did not feel before —
maybe my loss drew me to be kinder to others
because I could better understand the pain another
was going through —
maybe . . .

maybe the dandelion has shown me
a reason to have hope
• hope for my future because of my past –
• hope in releasing my loss and
   holding to the new life that came from my loss –
• hope from seeing life in the cycle of a dandelion . . .
       new life through loss –
       loss in the creation of Life –
—
not restoration, but creation flowing hope through Life
—
I find hope in that thought . . .

an area of wild things
growing in my backyard
drew my attention –
I have never watered or fed
the things growing there and yet . . .
that area has bushes and flowers
that grow and some that
wither and die . . . an untended garden!

CYCLES—life going on without any “help”
from me and I wondered . . .
are there areas in me that grow or
do not grow without my even
being aware of them—untended areas?

That brought me to think about—
HOW who I am has been influenced
by others around me –
family, friends, teachers, life experiences,
and more that can be seen by others
in my “nature,” my behavior, my attitudes,
my words and often I do not even notice
when I am showing some of those
influences until someone says to me : “
you are just like ______” (fill in the blank) or
“you sound just like ______” (fill in the blank) . . .
and I either feel insulted and
reject the reference or
I feel good about the connection  
and accept it.

STOPPING to think “WHY?”—
it seems to me that I need to stop
and think about why someone pointed
that trait out to me and connected it to
some one or some thing and
why my reaction was what it was.
I believe I have “untended garden” areas
that I should examine and
choose whether to water and feed
those areas or pull out those weeds
and plant some better seeds.

BEING AWARE—listening to myself and
what others have to say about me
can help me become more aware
of my “untended garden” areas and
lead me to make some choices
to “tend my garden” to grow
what I want to grow.
I choose the seeds –
I choose to water and feed –
I choose to tend my garden . . .

I do not want to be
an untended garden
letting anything grow there
or wither and die there –
I CHOOSE to tend my garden . . .

broken . . . that is the word that comes
to my mind today:
a broken world in total chaos —
broken people, wounded deeply —
broken lives, beyond repair —
broken . . .
but what IF (it is a big IF)
I could agree with you
that there is GOD —
like a prism that reflects
different colors from
different angles so that
GOD is seen in different ways
by different people —
not right or wrong, but just
seen from a different path —
perhaps
we could come together to
share what each of us has
learned on life’s journey and
perhaps
we could find the strength
in working together as
GOD calls all creation to do
perhaps
the glue of GOD’s Love could
mend our broken world and
the healing balm from
GOD’s heart could touch broken people
and broken lives to restore wholeness
in ALL of creation
perhaps
together, we could shine
Light on broken branches . . .
perhaps . . . GOD . . .

the Way . . .
over recorded history, there are many who have pursued, searched for, and left bread crumbs about “the Way”—no “eureka” moments indicating anyone “found the Way,” no clear signposts, and yet . . .

Like the hunt for the “northwest passage,” there were perceived rewards for discovering “the Way,” rewards beyond anyone’s imagination . . . and so the hunt continues to this day . . .

As with many others, I have searched for “the Way” at times in my life when challenges arose, when trauma struck, when darkness seemed to surround me . . . and I have been unsatisfied with the “bread crumbs” that have only led me to more questions – frustrations.

So, once again, I focus on “the Way” and seek to simply examine the “bread crumbs”

and slowly, quietly ponder

what others have shared and

listen for the cycle of Life

to reveal “the Way” to its buried treasures . . .

I hunger . . .

I thirst . . .

I listen . . .

I want to be open . . . I want to see . . .

ONE morning . . . ONE sky . . . LIFE

so many messages . . .

6:00am – I noticed the colors in the sky,
soft pastels, light clouds

6:18am – stepping outside, I was
surrounded by orange,
an orange sky that slowly began showing
some purple in still-soft clouds

6:24am – I noticed a bird flying overhead
in stark contrast with the orange sky

7:25am – the sky was filled with
strong-looking gray clouds that seemed
to be saying a storm was coming

8:23am – the rain fell fulfilling the promise of the sky

9:54am – after the storm, it took a while for the clouds to pass
that were blocking the sun, but they did pass and
the sun was able to show itself

JUST LIKE IN MY LIFE . . .
some times are soft, light times that are peaceful and
when some small gray clouds appear,
I do not see them as threatening – BUT then

something changes the atmosphere and I walk
in an electricity-charged time
that makes me apprehensive – AND then

the dark clouds appear warning of an impending storm
and my fear level rises – THEN

the storm dumps on me and it rains,
sometimes a soft rain
and sometimes a hard, driving rain and
I draw back into a protected area – BUT then

the “stuff” blocking the rain moves just a tiny bit and
I can see just a hint of some light peeking around
the edges of the challenging “stuff” and
I dare to take a breath and
look up to the Creator of the ever-changing skies,
the only One who can handle
ALL the “stuff” . . .
ALL the mornings . . .
ALL the skies . . .