This quote from the play Hamlet, “To be, or not to be? That is the question—”
this led me to a different question that seems very important to me especially in this time when there is so much chaos, so much confusion . . .
“what should I be?”

BE . . . you should be like . . .
I heard that one a lot growing up and it never encouraged me to want to be like whoever was being pointed out as a role model — it just made me feel like the me I knew must not be very good and the person pointing it out must not think very much of me and, if that’s true, why even try?
How could I ever BE anyone other than me?

Now the question is back on my mind? “What should I be?”
—There are many around who demand that I be like them and even tell me that if I am not like them, I am a bad person or a stupid person.
—There are some others who do not seem to care what I am, but I do not feel comfortable with some of the ideas they express.

SO, back to the question: “What should I be?”

My Judeo-Christian roots also provide more than one answer to that question.
Early childhood spent in a legalistic “my-way-is-the-right-way-the-only-way” church gave me a pretty critical, judgmental attitude with touches of self-righteousness thrown in. I became a pretty good debater and was always ready with a “proof text” argument on almost any subject someone wanted to challenge me on—and, in my twenties, I knew it ALL . . . yet, my life was filled with mistakes, relationship failures, bad choices . . . go figure!

The God of the Old Testament in the Christian Bible seemed to support my attitudes of harsh judgement with NO mercy, condemnation of “sin” I saw, correcting anyone I believed was not doing something right (there was only ONE way, you know?) and, in general, forcing my way on everyone around me because it was the right way and it was my duty to set them straight!

BE . . . the Jesus movement
In 1980, I was planning to end my life after coming to the conclusion that my failures to that point made me not redeemable (I knew I shouldn’t have done the things I did, so it was willful sin and could not be forgiven). With no hope for a future, I thought there was only one “logical” resolution . . . this time period had brought me through the obvious failures of Christian theology that drew me to New Age seminars, occult practices, and many different belief systems as “answers” that left me seeing the deficiencies of them all and left me with no hope for the future — so why have a future?

BUT, GOD . . . a well-timed call, a heartfelt petition from mom, and so I, with no will left to fight, made the move from North Carolina to Arkansas and did not care in the least what anyone thought I should “be.”

A short while after arriving in Arkansas, I met some people who did not tell me what I should “be” but, instead, seemed to just accept me as I was—even with my many obvious flaws. So began the work of GOD to bring me to many new understandings of what it meant to “be.”

That was only the beginning of a journey to healing and to realizing that I did not understand the question . . . what should I be?

I came to understand that I did not even know what it meant “to be” so how could I find the answer to a question I did not even understand!

Clearly, I needed to start back at the beginning—what was the question I should be asking?


About Jeanne

a work in progress . . . God's grace has brought me through many traumas of varying intensities and I am alive today (both physically & spiritually) because of Him and His work: "For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus"-Philippians 1:6. My childhood was spent living in many places in the United States due to my family's music or ministry—The Hicks Family, made up of Olan & Barbara Hicks, my younger brothers, Clint & Chuck & me, sang in different combos (put out an album), does so no longer professionally . . . but, visit a family gathering in Searcy & you're bound to hear some foot-tapping sounds (or catch my dad & mom on the road)! I believe that every moment of each life path (the good & what I perceive as the bad) God works together for my good as His child whether I understand it or not. MUSIC and MINISTRY are still primary aspects of the path God has me walking—so exciting! Words that have encouraged me since 1980: ". . . giving them a garland instead of ashes,The oil of gladness instead of mourning,The mantle of praise instead of a spirit of fainting So they will be called oaks of righteousness,The planting of the LORD, that He may be glorified." Isaiah 61:3
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.