outside the “one true church” —
I was SO devastated –
19 years old living a nightmare of
betrayal striking deep wounds and,
in the midst of this time of crisis,
I was told by the wife of a leader of
the “one true church” on a Sunday evening
after the service that I was not welcome
any longer because I had sinned . . .
most sadly, the members of that “one true church”
knew about the horrible circumstances of my life
which had devastated me to the point of deep depression –
BUT,
I was not welcome any longer at the “one true church”
because they said, by the word of God, I had sinned . . .
I walked out into the dark parking lot, alone . . .
the newest member of the “lost” . . .
hopelessly “lost” . . .

as I walked out into the darkness,
I shouted to the darkness above
and all around me:

“if that is what people of God are like,
I want nothing to do with them or with their God!!!”

I drove out of that parking lot with
tears streaming down my face
feeling the weight of the brick
thrown at me in the pit of my stomach –

knowing there was NO answer for me because
the only way to not be “lost” was to be a member of
the “one true church” and that door was slammed shut –
the overwhelming darkness of hopelessness consumed me
and, for a long time, I went
through my days and nights like a zombie –
empty and “lost,” not caring about anything or anybody.

I felt dead with no emotions at all and soon came to
think there was no reason to continue to live –
I had messed everything up and there was
no one to care about me . . . not even me.

Then, one day a girl at work asked me to go with her
to a meeting that was sold as a way to find out
how to live and grow as a person –
a teaching called “new age” especially for young people
who were unhappy with the world as it had been changed
by people who did not know the “truth” of ancient times
that was meant to create a utopian world,
we could make the world be what it should be
to be good for everybody!

The “age of Aquarius” had been talked about over
many different periods of time from antiquity –
BUT, we could now bring it into existence!
We had access to the knowledge and
we could tap into the power – I could tap into the power!

It sounded so good – it sounded like I had found
the way to stop being “lost” – I could be “saved”!
It made sense and it energized me and many others
with “special” knowledge and a serious “mission” –
save the world! Set the world right! YES!

I felt good about this “mission” and it did not require
the perfection I had been trained in my childhood
to demand of myself and others – all of sudden
there was Hope stirring in me!

However, my childhood “training” had planted a
deep seed – any Hope had to include Jesus and,
as I was exposed to the “Jesus movement” music,
I passed through “new age,” through “the occult,”
and entered the “take the world for Jesus” mission
moving from demanding perfection according to
my opinions and opening up to “what would Jesus do”
bracelet era – love . . . freedom . . . belonging . . .

I could see what was wrong with the “one true church”
and I judged and condemned them just like they had
done to me . . . NOW I could be part of the
“take the world for Jesus” . . . save the world . . .
a higher mission, a serious purpose –
“saved,” me and the world!